Ugly Boys
by Aquatic-Idealist
Summary: The Other Side of Wu


Ugly Boys

_The Other Side of Wu, inspired by Silent Ninja's Reasons to hate Shu Han_

Disclaimer: I am probably one of the most loyal and obsessed fanboys of Dong Wu in the English ROTK community, but I felt that it is necessary to point out all the bastards who destroyed Wu's reputation by simply causing problems in Wu and the rest of China, be they warriors, scholars, tyrants, or brutes. Thus, I hope that this will let readers see some of the other officers in Wu who should be scorned for who they are, for Wu is not a nation of pretty boys and pyros, no, it is far more than that. There are great heroes who hardly used fire, and there are strong and fierce men who were definitely not dainty, pretty boys like Lu Xun. So, I hope you enjoy this little fic. (If any Lu Xun fans are offended, I apologize. I'm not exactly a Lu Xun fanboy, for I much prefer Zhou Yu and Xu Sheng, but, heck, Boyan was one of Wu's finest commanders, and Wu could not have survived without his victories at Yiling and elsewhere.)

Warning: Language

* * *

Many Wu officers from various decades found themselves gathered in two rooms. In one room, Sun Ce found himself as the main persona, while in the other, Sun Quan had that honor.

_In Sun Quan's room:_

"So, let's talk about the finest Wu ruler of all time, me!" Sun Chen laughed.

"More like the finest bastard of all time..." Zhuge Ke groaned.

"You're one to talk! Didn't you kill almost as many people as I did? Isn't killing fun? Admit it..."

"Well, yes, killing is fun. But did you have to kill me while you were at it?"

"Of course not, and I'm not the one who killed you: My cousin, Sun Jun, is responsible for that."

"Well... That's true..."

"And both of you let so many soldiers die in vain, just like Jiang Wei." Puyang Xing pointed out.

"Hey, I didn't lose a single battle! I just killed off a few traitors who called themselves 'loyalists.' Hah, what idiots!" Sun Chen laughed.

"And I thought I could kill Sima Zhao myself, but _no_, that arsewipe Jiang Yan had to question me... If only I didn't feel sorry for my pitiful ministers and killed him. They just had to beg for his life... Besides, Puyang Xing, you're one to talk." Zhuge Ke growled.

"Both of you are corrupt scumbags. Of course I should speak up." Puyang Xing replied matter-of-factly.

"Look who's talk-" Sun Chen yelled, but Zhuge Ke quickly bade him silent.

"Now, now, that doesn't work." Zhuge Ke waved his hand. He pulled out a bag of coins from his pocket and shook it a little, letting the coins jingle. "Here, Puyang Xing, if you bark like a dog, wag your tail, and keep your mouth shut otherwise, I will give you this."

"Arf!" Puyang Xing immediately barked like a dog. Since he had no tail, he started to wag his butt and sat down, like a good dog.

"Good boy..." Zhuge Ke smiled and patted Puyang Xing in the head, handing him the coins.

"So as I was saying: Killing people can be so fun, but it's a pity that I had to get killed, as did you." Sun Chen sighed.

"Right..." Zhuge Ke yawned. "Too bad there just had to be those self-righteous arsewipes who had to stop us from killing more idiots."

"Hey! I am the great Emperor Sun Quan! Shouldn't I get some recognition for my badassness?" Sun Zhongmou yelled, annoyed that Zhuge Ke and Sun Chen were ignoring him.

"Your sons Sun Deng and Sun Liang are idiots." Zhuge Ke smiled.

"Which is why I dethroned Liang." Sun Chen added.

"You did? Awesome!" Zhuge Ke gave Sun Chen a high five.

"Hey! Listen to me! Can anyone else claim that they have full control over their sisters like I did? I made Shangxiang marry that idiot Liu Bei... And even though she's an amazon and Zhou Yu, the bigshot that he is, didn't exactly support the wedding, I still got to pull it off! And the plan almost worked, too, had Zhuge Liang not had anything to do with it."

"Right... My uncle can be such a jerk sometimes. Too bad your plan didn't work, Sir. Still, Uncle Liang makes himself look so smart, and then he loses a bunch of battles in his Northern Campaigns. I think his tongue is his trump card, not his brain." Zhuge Ke sighed.

"Aren't you forgetting me?" Sun Hao spoke up.

"Arf!" Puyang Xing ran over to Sun Hao, who calmly patted him on the head. "Good dog..."

"Arf!"

"Heh, I guess he'll do anything for money, just like I'll do anything if I can cut more heads off." Sun Chen smiled.

"But, still, Uncle Quan, I am so more badass than you!" Sun Hao yelled.

"How so?" Sun Quan raised an eyebrow.

"I have a much larger harem than you, I held off Jin, and I made Zhang Ti and my doggie here do all my work for me! Oh, and Uncle Chen, I also killed off a bunch of people too." Sun Hao patted Puyang Xing on the head and smirked.

"Good man!" Sun Chen smiled and patted Sun Hao on the back. "That's my nephew!"

"How lucky the Sun clan is! All I get for relatives are my pansy brothers, my foolish cousin Zhuge Zhan who died defending Shu, and Zhuge Dan, who was just like Zhuge Zhan except that he died thinking that he was fighting for Wei when in reality he fought for Wu." Zhuge Ke sighed.

"Poor poor Zhuges..." Sun Hao, Sun Quan, Sun Chen, and Puyang Xing bowed their heads in sorrow.

"Hey! Shouldn't everyone worship me, the most badass Wu officer of them all?!" Pan Zhang roared.

"Nah, you just kick people's asses, and you drink beer, and you've raped your own share of women. Otherwise, you're just a weaker version of Lu Bu who rapes women." Sun Hao sighed.

"I'll kick your ass for that!" Pan Zhang roared again.

"Pan Zhang, sit!" Sun Quan yelled.

Pan Zhang glared at Sun Quan, and sat on the ground, his arms positioned right under his chest while his feet were curled at the sides of his bottom.

"If only I could make people do that..." Sun Chen and Zhuge Ke sighed to themselves.

* * *

_In Sun Ce's room..._

Zhang Ti pressed his ear against the wall. His face started to turn green as he heard the various cursed words that came from the lips of Zhuge Ke, Sun Chen, and Sun Hao.

"To think I spent so many years serving under Sun Hao..." He sighed. "Everything I did was for Wu..."

Cheng Pu was next to him, also eavesdropping on the conversation in the other room. "You know, lad, I'm glad that you were our last Prime Minister, Zhang Ti. If Puyang Xing was instead, Wu would be remembered as a nation that had to listen to the orders of that corrupt bastard."

"A worthy successor of mine indeed. 'Tis a great pity that you fell in battle against Du Yu's men, Juxian. Still, even if you were victorious, Wu would still have crumbled on its own..." Zhou Yu sighed.

"How could I have fathered a son like Zhuge Ke?! My line no longer has any meaning!" Zhuge Jin groaned and cried, but everyone was too busy talking to notice him. Zhuge Liang's older brother began to fancy the idea of cutting himself. Maybe that would make him feel better for fathering such a disgraceful, horrible son.

"To think my son and I spent so much of our energy for Wu, only to have it crumble at the hands of bastards like Sun Hao!" Lu Xun growled, and his son Lu Kang nodded vigorously.

"Now now, Lu Xun, don't get your panties in a twist. We have to find a way to break in there and pummel all of those wretched bastards into submission." Lu Meng cooed.

"Who are you calling a woman?" Lu Xun grumbled.

"Well, look at your outfit! Aren't you a girl? And so is Lord Zhou Yu, based on that attire." Lu Meng chuckled.

"I'd like to point out that I am a male, and I fathered Zhou Xun, Zhou Yin, and Zhou Ying... I did not give birth to them... That brave task was done by my beloved wife." Zhou Yu tried to remain calm.

"Anyways, we ought to stop this infighting and find a way to silence Sun Chen and the like forever." Lu Su pointed out.

"And how should we do that?" Zhu Ran raised an eyebrow.

"You know, sometimes I wonder why you weren't put with that other crowd, Zhu Ran..." Lu Meng pointed at the room where Sun Quan and the others were. "You're such an arrogant git at times."

"That makes me like Wang Jing and Guan Yu, right? A good man who knows that he's much more talented than everyone else." Zhu Ran laughed.

Lu Meng facepalmed. "I guess..." He sighed into his palm.

Han Dang rammed his fist into the wall, while Zhou Tai shoved his sword into the ground, and Gan Ning let out a howl. "Oh, we so want to kick their asses!" They all yelled with one voice.

"Keep it down! We don't want them to hear us!" Lu Xun hissed.

"Indeed... But we must make a strategy first. Lord Zhou Yu, do you have any ideas?" Xu Sheng turned to Zhou Yu.

Ding Feng nodded. "What Wenxiang said."

"Do you have any original thoughts of your own, Ding Feng, or do you just copy all of our tactics to make yourself look smart?" Zhu Ran chuckled.

"Do not insult my best friend." Xu Sheng's eyes narrowed.

Zhu Ran backed off. "Of course, comrade, of course."

"I can't wait to get some payback for all the suffering the people of Wu have gone through... And for such disgraces before, during, and after my reign." Sun Xiu gave an eager sneer.

"Regardless, let us stop this mindless bickering and plan. We must purge Wu of those bastards now, or we'll regret it for the rest of our lives." Zhou Yu gritted his teeth.

"Yeah, what Gongjin said. Guys, we have to uphold Wu's honor, or we'll all lose face... Big time..." Sun Ce spoke up.

"Indeed. For the honor of the Sun clan, let us all destroy these dishonorable scums and uphold the glory of Wu!" Sun Jian rose his spear dramatically.

"Um... We're already dead, otherwise most of us wouldn't be here." Gan Ning pointed out.

"Just shut up and start thinking!" Cheng Pu yelled, forcing the others to shut up and start thinking.

* * *

_Back in Sun Quan's room..._

"I hear banging on the other side..." Zhang Zhao spoke up.

"If you're scared, just surrender. That's all you're good at, anyway." Sun Chen laughed at Zhang Zhao.

"_Excuse me!_ I am far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be!" Zhang Zhao growled back.

"Well, I'm far sexier than either of you could ever hope to be!" Sun Hao spoke up.

Zhang Zhao and Sun Chen could only facepalm. "I take back what I said about you being a great nephew." Sun Chen sighed.

* * *

"Ah, I love dramas, don't you?" Zhuge Ke smiled as he watched the argument from afar.

"Don't talk to me... I thought I trusted you to watch over Sun Deng."

"And you think I'd be _that_ stupid? I'm honestly insulted!"

"My point exactly..." Sun Quan sighed.

* * *

The heroes of Wu hid outside the door of their villanous counterpart's meeting room. "Alright, I've got the bombs, so now what are we supposed to do?" Gan Ning asked.

"Wait... What's that sizzling noise?" Lu Meng mumbled.

"Don't tell me... Xingba, you didn't set them off, did you?" Zhou Yu's eyes widened.

Gan Ning rummaged through his bag, and pulled out one of the bombs. It cackled and fizzed before them. "Oh, maybe I did!"

"Grenades!" Cheng Pu yelled, but soon our heroes were covered in explosions.

* * *

Bu Zhi was roused awake. "Enemy troops are attacking! Get the white flag, we must surrender!"

Zhang Zhao was also alarmed. "Those bombs just went off outside the room. We really should surrender if they're planning to lay siege to us."

"I'll go check." Sun Hao went to open the door.

He was quickly greeted by Lu Meng, who ran into the room with his entire body on fire.

"GAAAAHHHH!!" Lu Meng shrieked as he ran about.

"Lu Meng, sit. Sit! SIT!" Sun Quan yelled, but was promptly ignored.

Sun Hao walked out of the room to find Zhou Yu and Sun Ce gasping for air, while the rest of Wu's heroic officers were either unconscious or running about, having been set on fire by Gan Ning's stupidity.

Sighing, he turned back to his less-moral colleagues. "This is why I'm the best Emperor. In my day nobody got set on fire. We only cut off people's heads, tortured them with boiling water, or stoned them to death. No one died through incineration. Hah! Pansies!" He turned and closed the door on a gasping Sun Ce.

_Fin_


End file.
